Sleepless Night

Today has been one of those days in which I wonder what the Heavens were doing when I was created? I've had a taste of many emotions and my inner thoughts aren't allowing me the liberty of a sound sleep. The mountain of homework awaits in the morning, along with baking, knitting and a walk in the outdoors. I don't usually schedule my walks outside but I'm feeling edgy and stuck personally, creatively, spiritually and emotionally. I'm stuck but yet I have never been more free to express myself. Perhaps my new found assertiveness has left me uncertain as to where to go next? Relaxing is out of the question at this point! So as I am apt to do when baffled I wrote a list of ideas, things I like, stuff I dislike about myself and the world and have inserted thoughtlets in to provoke my thinking.

1. Learn to live spiritually. I firmly believe that religion and spirituality aren't the same concept and to many people confuse the two of them. Religion doesn't get me through the times when life just sucks my spirituality does. A goal of mine this year is to learn to live happily and to find those places, people, thoughts, moments and things that will make my Spirit content.
2. Embrace my vulnerability. I'm not talking about societies perceived vulnerability slapped on me because I am a woman and a blind woman as well. No sign will say please violate me because unlike most women in our self-centered culture I know I have a right to my personal space. I am talking about opening up and letting myself be loved for who I am and for who I am not. You want unladylike behavior there you go. I'm not interested in following the socially acceptable vulnerability that most young women are slapped with nowadays. If it makes me wrong, selfish, unladylike and abnormal to believe that being loved for who I am is acceptable then I've won the award but while I'm celebrating the fact that I'm not supposed to be miserable and alone I know many others who will be just as alone as I used to think I was. It's vulnerability not becoming vulnerable!
3. Take an active part in healthier living. I talk about living healthily, eat consciously and don't litter but I'm never really active in making the Earth cleaner. We're not talking about trying to rid the world of air pollution or attempting to convert back to a lifestyle where electricity was only a dream but I'd like to recycle more, pay attention to my own health and wellness and help others to do the same. One of these days I'll take classes on herbal healing, massage and accupressure.
4. Crying. My least favorite action in all the plethora of human emotions. Give me anger, sadness, fear, love, hatred, brutal honesty and outright pain but not crying. People seem to shove crying in to one of two boxes. It is either tucked away in the "I cry but always alone and only if I haven't cried in years", or "I cry openly and often because I wear my emotions on my sleeve." Obviously I fall in to that first group of people. As a trusted friend told me once crying is good for the Soul and I completely agree. If crying was encouraged nowadays instead of shamed and discourage would our boys and men be more in touch with there emotions? Stereotypes aside because I don't want to say that all men are not emotionally in touch but ask most men and they will not admit to a good cry fest over a bowl of caramel popcorn and a movie. If girls were told that crying is acceptable and that it shows you actually are not the superficial dolls the world expects or that it doesn't make us "hormonal" would more girls believe that they are worth more than the gum someone scraped from the underside of a desk? As for me; I intend on crying more often.
5. Allowing myself to love. With all the writing about being loved for who I am and who I'm not what good would it be if I didn't learn to love others in return. The Evangelical church I sometimes attend calls it Christ like love. Choosing to love unconditionally, and with out ceasing. They forget to add in that loving yourself is more important; nevertheless, allowing myself to love what I fear, loathe and lack the understanding of may be just what my Spirit is asking for.